Eurovision 2011 – Live Blog
So this year we’re in Germany and the show is presented by one slightly creepy man and two women who apparently decided not to bother coordinating their dresses a little. Apparently last year’s winner is in the contest this year too and doesn’t want to sing her winning song, so the presenters are doing so instead. Ack. It’s a bit like the end of the show, three hours early. But here is the real Lena now – appparently this has been deliberately inflicted on us as preferable entertainment. Eurobastards.
Mr Rage has declared the show to be presented by a hooker and a fembot. Frankly I think they look like a little of both. And the red feather dress looks like it’s staging a frontal attack on that woman. By the end of the show, she’ll be lying on the floor dead with red feathers sticking out of her mouth and nose.
Finland – Aww a little boy and his guitar. Seriously, you thought ‘Peter is smart’ was a winning first line?? Oh blimey, a song about saving the planet. There’s a reason these aren’t popular deary. Peter sounds like a bit of a tool frankly.
Bosnia & Herzegovina – How the FRAK did this make it through any heat at all and is that Gavin Henson on the double bass? And according to the BBC tweeter person, this is one of the favourites!! Maybe he’s being sarcastic. Although I have to say, I DO give extra points for flame so maybe the other judges do too.
Denmark – Do Jedward know they have hair competition too? Maybe they just inspired the Denmark entry’s hairdresser. I quite like this actually, and he’s managing to sing while running. Given that our entries can’t sing while standing still, that’s impressive. And a kiss at the end, lovely.
Lithuania – Why are the subtitles being doubled up on this number? And those shoulder flourettes were a mistake. Ah, she sang a few lines in French, that’s why. And now she’s doing sign language. I tell you what though, it’s songs like this that make the red button sing-a-long subtitles TOTALLY worth it…
Hungary – Christ, that’s a big ring. I assume that’s the light-up jewellery Graham just mentioned. Her attempts to hit the notes are a bit uncomfortable and her light-up people are way worse that the giant ring. What about MY dreams Kati, huh? My dreams of a Eurovision where the UK entry can sing in tune?
Ireland – Oh my fucking Christ, what are they wearing? And Graham is just reminding us how it’s OUR fault that Jedward exist (or at least the fault of those who vote for the X-Factor). I am actually staring at the screen dumbstruck. And they sound like they’re singing in a second or possibly third language. However, it’s VERY Eurovision. Y’know, the ones you remember but don’t actually like. They’re still singing better than Blue will though I reckon.
Sweden – It’s Michael Jackson meets Zac Efron. Rock out Disney Channel! Aw, a song about how as soon as I’m popular you’re gonna want me sleazing all over you. Oh yes baby, when I’m popular. All the girls love a boy wearing one glove.
Estonia – You’re absolutely right Getter, everything IS a little bit weird now. I don’t like this. She’s not singing very well, the set is annoying, the costumes are annoying and the song makes NO sense. It’s like one of those creepy shows that adults do for children but with worse music.
Greece – This is vaguely threatening and doomy. Ah yes, rapping in half a tuxedo – very down with the kids. Although to be fair, I have no idea what Greek rappers wear, maybe they’re all that stylish. *Gasp!* Determined opening of the jacket to reveal… more white shirt. Awesome. They do get points for fire though.
Russia – It’s a Teen Angel! Bet they wish they could have had the real Jason Priestley… No fire but extra points for a back flip. Lose points for random text speak in the lyrics though. It was quite chirpy though.
France – It’s the rejected song from Les Mis. I like the visuals at the back but that’s about all I can say for it. I’m assuming France get automatic entry into the final? I also assume that they really don’t want to win the final. Dreary much?
Italy – I actually like this. It is quite good, not at all offensive and he’s hitting all the right notes. Not so much to say in that case.
Oh no, the awful Green Room bit. Liking the freaky pods though.
Switzerland – This sounds like something else but I can’t remember the name of it. I don’t like it though, cos she’s dancing like an idiot and not quite staying in tune. Oh she actually sounded better in that last bit but frankly, the whole thing was a bit meh.
UK – Having already heard this, it’s studio-processed to fuck which never translates to live performances, even assuming we’ve finally managed to find a band that can sing live. Oh my god, that’s our chosen set??? The giant faces of BLUE? And of course they’re singing appallingly. Why UK, WHY??? And what the fuck is Duncan wearing? Oh god now they’ve got videos of themselves dancing BEHIND THEMSELVES DANCING. Ohhhh the shame.
Moldova – Mr Rage informed me earlier that Moldova are supposed to look special. Oh my lord… what the fuck? Wow. My sister is loving the gnome hats apparently, although I am loving the unicycling fairy gnome and as a finale, a monacle. Well why not? Song made absolutely no impression at all though.
Germany – I actually quite like this. And I love what she’s wearing too. She’s not singing it particularly well but hey, who is? No fire though. And a little smile at the end to say ‘I’m fucking hot and you all know it.’
Romania – The lead singer is apparently from County Durham. HE can sing live and HE’S British so these people ARE out there. Please take note Eurovision-song-selecting-committee-vote-people. Can take or leave the song though. I bet I’d like it more if I wasn’t reading the subtitles…
Austria – She has an amazing voice but seriously, a song about love making the world a better place? Puke.
Azerbaijan – Oh god, a moody Pans People in white – there’d better be flame-throwers at the end Azerbaijan, that’s all I’m saying. At least he can sing, even if she can’t. Oooh rain of fire though! And the song has grown on me. Well done.
Slovenia – There is no one like I am… a sort of Cleopatra-type dress, if Cleopatra was on the pull in a dirty nightclub. Bet I’d like it more if it wasn’t live in a football stadium.
Iceland – Hmm, Graham is warning us that the story behind the song is sweet, ‘no matter what you think of it’. That generally means it’s shit. In actual fact, it’s not massively shit, but that’s about all I can say for it.
Spain – Well this is cheerfully meh. And… still meh. *shrug*
Ukraine – Some angel-wannabe singing while a vampire draws in sand and apparently sings too. Can we just watch the sand drawing please? I guarantee everyone in the stadium is watching that and not the befeathered one. The song is extremely forgettable but the sand-artist is really very good.
Serbia – Another song to make the subtitling worth it but actually, this is good! Sort of cute and I’m dancing a little. And the dancers are actually skipping! Good work Serbia.
Georgia – Last one. Graham warns us the best has not been saved for last and he is SO right. It actually feels like they’re rushing through it so we can get to the voting. And it’s over and I’ve forgotten it already.
The woman clearly won her battle with the red feathers and changed into half a black dress and a long petticoat. And now for the recaps. The recaps are highlighting how Top 40 the entries are now – far less in the way of folk music this year. And now for the Entertainment.
Um. If there is such a thing as a poor man’s Suggs, this is it. Utterly charmless. Oh god is he the ENTIRE show? Hurry up and vote people, make this be over!
Finally! Wow, that is a bad dress. Especially on a woman with not a single curve. It’s like an ironing board caught in a stray ruffle. Graham just compared the host and his guitar to listening to David Hasselhoff on top of the Berlin wall – laughing a lot.
Voting!
4 points straight off the bat from Russia? Are Blue big in Europe? Of course, if 50% of the votes come from the people who saw the dress rehearsal, maybe they sang better… 12 points from Bulgaria?? Bloody hell. And 10 points for Italy. ‘Take a picture, we’re a the top!’ yells Graham. More laughing.
I wonder if there’s been some Euro-wide conspiracy here. They reckon as we’re hosting the Olympics anyway, we’re the nation in the best position to afford it, who already have the stadiums ready.
I think the Ukrainian woman is drunk. Or possibly on crack. They gave us 3. Low points now but we’ve probably already exceeded all the points amassed in the last 4 years. 5 points from FYR Macedonia. Can’t they just be known as Macedonia now? It’s been ages. Oooh Slovakian vote-giver is hot, but followed up by Alex Jones from the One Show looking like a tramp. FFS. How many people in this country voted for Moldova?? That’s the British sense of humour for you.
The Denmark votes are being given from the sixties… They gave 10 points to Sweden? Mr When I Am Popular? Jedward are doing well. Gotta be honest, I would bloody LOVE it if Jedward won. For the comedy value obviously. The ironing board woman has quite a nice line in ‘move it along’ gestures. She doesn’t even speak, just waves her hands like an impatient teacher.
Green room time – “how rock n roll, he’s wearing a cardigan” says Graham about Sweden’s Mr Popular.
1 point from France? “One? We built a tunnel to your country…” Graham mutters.
We are now midway down the table, just below Jedward. 7 from Malta?? I thought they were contractually obliged to give us 12 or something. There’s something almost a bit more pathetic about being in the middle of the table, getting 3 votes all the time. Although not as humiliating for a formerly successful band I guess.
Jedward are doing a lot better than Blue. I’m enjoying that. I’m also enjoying Graham’s remarks about the vote-givers. That was one thing Terry didn’t do. Azerbaijan have won and apparently, they desperately wanted to. They are also, perhaps coincidentally, one of the few countries who can afford to host it. The UK has though, done ten times better than last year with our 100 points. Well done Blue. Perhaps a better set next time…
Now to watch Azerbaijan sing their moody number whilst being super-excited. Actually, he’s doing very well but she can barely breathe. Bless them.
I bet if I entered Ragebaby as the UK entry next year, singing her version of Beyonce’s ‘All The Single Ladies’, she would TOTALLY win. “Awwlasingalala! Awwlasingalala…” Anyway, til next time Europopfans… ciao.
