Tax Rage
I’m self-employed right? Right. And yesterday was the deadline for filing your tax return and paying the money right? Right. Just wanted to make sure you knew where we were going. This is basically a therapeutic moan about my complicated finances so feel free to stop reading… now.
I had been SOOOO organised I thought, and every month when I got paid, I put the tax money aside in a savings account. Worked last year. But no. Not this year. Ohhhhhh noooooo.
Being of a semi-tidy mind, I left the money in the savings account because I was waiting to pool it with a last payment I needed. It’s a bit complicated because I have a current account and a work account and a savings account, with the savings account attached to my current account. So I transfer money in and out of the savings account via the current account, then move it to the work account as necessary. So that I can easily keep track of all my work transactions for, y’know, tax purposes and shit. So I get paid into my work account, transfer the tax money to my current account and then to my savings accounts.
Look, I KNOW alright, it seems complicated now I’m writing it down but it seemed fine before. BEFORE YESTERDAY anyway.
Anyway, basically it’s a three-step transfer to get it to HMRC but this hasn’t previously been a problem because I always left plenty of time. I didn’t want to put the tax money in my current account, watching the amount go up and down with my general outgoings; I just wanted to know that the whole amount was there, safe, so I left it in the savings account. Then on Friday, when I had the last payment, I transferred the whole lot across to my current account, then transferred it again to my work account, ready to pay HMRC.
Six months ago, transfers from the current account with one bank to my work account at the other bank have been almost instant, give or take a few hours. So when the money didn’t appear on Friday, I didn’t fret. I thought ‘well it’s nearly the weekend, it’ll be there by Monday.’ But Monday came and there was no money and then Monday lunchtime came and then there was fretting.
I phoned the work bank who said “we’ve got faster payment set up with most other banks so it should be instant but I can’t see a transaction coming in at all.” And then there was panic.
Then I phoned the other bank who said “well since your old bank got taken over by this new bank, it now takes 4 working days to clear funds so it’ll be Thursday or Friday before you see it. Or you can pay £20 and I’ll recall the transaction and then rush it through.” There was more panicking so I said “I’ll pay the £20 to rush it through please.” And she said “actually no, I can’t do that because it’s already gone. Sorry love.” And then I freaked out. After I’d hung up obviously. Manners in all things.
I phoned the HMRC who said (and here I paraphrase to make up for being unable to share tone), “And? What do you expect us to do about it? That’ll be 3% interest a day on the outstanding balance until you pay.” Which would come to a LOT of money by Friday*. “Oh and by the way,” they said, “we haven’t received your tax return yet anyway.” Which is another £100 fine.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Tried to phone the accountants but no answer, because it was now 5.30pm and had spent a million years on hold to various banks and Her Majesty. Fuck.
Luckily, the money I’d been waiting for was enough, when combined with an entire, massive overdraft facility to account for 65% of the bill and I borrowed the outstanding 35% from my sister’s life savings, although those funds didn’t clear until this morning (which is a whole different crazy bank story).
So that was Monday.
Today, I rang the accountant who said “don’t worry, we put your tax return through last thing yesterday so they received it on time. But we didn’t receive your signed consent until yesterday, hence the delay.”
“But I posted it a week ago!” I wailed. “First class!”
“Was it a large envelope?” she asked? “Because the post office sometimes keep the large ones for a few days.”
“WHYYYYYY???” (I’m not ashamed to say I said this with a few dry sobs thrown in for effect.)
“I have no idea.”
Anyway, the upshot of all this chaos is that my tax return is filed and my tax is paid and hopefully there will only be a little fine, if they really want to be mean about it, which they will but then, it y’know, it was kinda my fault. If I’d just transferred the money as soon as I’d signed the tax form, it would’ve been fine. No embarrassing borrowing from sisters, no insane panicking about massive fines… just because I wanted to be organised** and hadn’t read the small print on my ‘Your Bank Is Now Owned By This Bank’ document.
So yeah, that’s just a general rage at myself really. As you were.
* I’m not entirely sure this is right but that’s what he said and I was already freaking out.
**Yes alright, enough laughing thank you.
Going to be watching: Sky Atlantic. My other half is especially excited by the promised reruns of Thirtysomething (I’m too young to remember it), ER and for some reason, 24. Like we didn’t just spend the last billion years watching that.
